Negative and Positive

 Pacing about the street, burning with anger mixed with some strange emotions. I felt dark and lonely. I thought pacing about would help me clear my head. But contrary to my thinking, I just dived deeper into thought.

Usually, whenever I was experiencing some creativity rush (this instant rush of ideas and plans), pacing about helped me stay longer and made the rush faster. Now that I decided to walk the streets aimlessly, my intellectual eloquence became clearer and those screeching voices of fury became louder.

It all felt like I was deserted. I saw myself during those times writing dark poems - lots of them. Even when everyone saw me as the happiest man on earth, I was happy, but not the happiest. My heart just tingled with the strangest of emotions.

I was angry and I didn't even know why. I didn't know how to even let it out. Gee, don't think it - smashing stuffs did not help. Punching the wall didn't help. I felt like a time bomb. I got relieved whenever I prayed or made someone smile.

Well, the fiery furnace kept burning with nothing to consume. I had to live through it one way or another. I remember that night, about 20 minutes in the walk. In my mind, I was already cooking a write-up on suicide. 😂 Don't think it. I was not planning to commit suicide oo! 😂 I just dey find way help suicidal people.

"Suicide sometimes could be justified. But never by me. Life could be rough, it could be smooth. But it never fair! Some call life the rolling of a dice (and they feel the die is fair).

"To me the die is never fair. It never rewards people based on their efforts and actions. It just picks at random. And to me, anything that's random and does not watch for the most deserving is unfair. How would you feel if school grades were determined by the rolling of dice after you've burnt and melted tons of midnight candles? 

"And that's life for you - the rolling of a dice. You could get any side depending on what the numbers mean to you. It could be rosy for sometime, then all of a sudden, it's all thongs. Everyone wants to bring you down. Suicide is never justified. Life won't always rotate and roll in your favour. Cheat the game. Plant your roses and sleep on the bed."

I was going through some emotional 'strangeness'. Permit my word choice. It felt all strange and impure. I wasn't just as bright as I should. I wasn't gripping things like I did. I was losing control of everything I controlled. The more I tried to win, the more I lost. Often times I wanted to just stop.

I heard from Kevin Hart: 

No matter what you're going through, Life goes on! You have to process that. The anger, the grudges, the negativity should not stop you. I'm looking forward to doing a lot of positive things. Nothing should stop me, because life goes on regardless.

I just knew there was a light at the end of that tunnel of Darkness. I wasn't depressed by the way (that's too dark to describe my situation). I had to do five a lot of positive energy. I had to touch lives. There was so much energy in me for that.

Well, thanks to God, the tunnel is not as dark, I can see more clearly. Things are getting better. My bed of roses will soon become comfy enough for Gee to sleep and chop life! I'm out to do Big things. You should too. Don't give up on life because life gave up on you.

Giving up on life is like quitting a game. The quitters lose. They never win. Those that fight till the end and try to get the best and eat the best fruit from it are the winners. There's so much in life to explore! Cheers to making Big Things Happen!